Like many retirees, my parents spend the winter in Florida. They flew north about a month ago. I was already suspicious from our chats on the phone but my Dad warned me that I would see changes in my Mother, big changes. At times, her Alzheimer’s has crept slowly; the changes from one year to the next were barely perceptible. Alzheimer’s can be devious that way, sneaking up and taking hold tiny bit by tiny bit.
And then, she takes a big leap downward. That’s what happened this past winter. Mom is now more and more often confused. Time and place are becoming jumbled. Although she has lived in her house for forty-five years, she is finding it difficult to recognize it as home.
Mom has always been comfortable with her own company. Now for the first time, she gets nervous and agitated when left alone. Some days she is concerned that everyone has gone off and left her. She feels an urgent need to get down to the beach and find them. It’s not always clear who “they” are. “They” may be her extended family of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Then again, “they” could just as easily be the gang of childhood friends who hung out with her in Wollaston and on the Cape.
Summer has come early this year, with one beautiful day after another. Mom has always loved summer, the slowed down pace and the house filled with friends and family. On several warm, sunny afternoons she has become anxious. At times, she frets about her parents, wondering where they are or whe
n they will arrive. It’s as if she is anticipating a weekend visit although her parents died in 1982.
This confusion is all part and parcel of Alzheimer’s, a horrible disease that is playing havoc with her mind and memory. Like a thief, Alzheimer’s is robbing her of the simple pleasure of doing a crossword or reading a good book. It’s stolen the independence that comes with a driver’s license. And perhaps worst of all, it has robbed her of her incredible gift for good conversation.
My Mother has always loved to chat. When we were kids, dinner was more about conversation than food. Much more. Mom was never an enthusiastic cook but she was a very enthusiastic conversationalist. She loved spirited discussion, good natured arguments and wholehearted jokes and laughter. Like a thief, Alzheimer’s is taking that away from her and away from us.
In spite of what Alzheimer’s is doing to her, Mom continues to face life with good cheer and goodwill. When it comes to this disease, I’m nowhere near as cordial or magnanimous. I am intermittently angry and fearful. Like a feisty, foolish child I want my Mother back. I’d stamp my foot if I thought it would help.
But it won’t. So instead of tantrums, I’m spending time with Mom. I’m getting to know, understand and appreciate the new person she is becoming.
… then again, maybe this blog is just a new way for me to stamp my foot.
Does Alzheimer’s run in your family? I’d like to hear from you. Let’s get a conversation going – just click on Comments below.
To subscribe to Susan Nye’s Other Blog just scroll back up, fill in your email address and click on the Sign Me Up button. You’ll get an email asking you to confirm your subscription … confirm and you will automatically receive new postings.
Feel free to visit my food blog Susan Nye – Around the Table or photo blog Susan Nye 365. Browse around my website for more than 200 recipes, links to magazine articles and lots more. I hope you will take a moment to learn about my philanthropic project Eat Well-Do Good. © Susan W. Nye, 2010
Susan, Enjoy the time with your mother & recognize that you will find and develop new skills as you learn to accept who she is becoming, and yes speak out against the disease and our health that is so slow to find a cure.
I’m dealing with not one but 2 family situations. Fortunately my father-in-law decided this past winter was his last in Florida so we’re making the arrangements to move him into an independent living community in Syracuse NY … and he’s a healthy 95.
My personal journey is learning first hand how to deal with mental illness for my sister as I’m now effectively in the parenting role as there’s noone else left to take charge. I am learning that mental illness robs someone of many things we take for granted, similar to how you described Alzheimer’s … losing glasses, cell phone or car keys almost daily. Paying the bills isn’t a 30 minute monthly exercise. It took her several hours, so we’re now doing this for her … and there are monthly visits (fortunately only 3 hrs by car) just to check in and make sure the simplest of things is getting taken care of.
I’m learning to be more patient, not with everything but in situations that require it. I’m also trying to see how I can speak out and voice my utter disgust with the health and insurance industries who push these people around to make things most convenient for themselves. These people are clearly unable to fend for themselves, let alone speak out and there’s noone to hold the professionals accountable for anything.
There might be a new blog like yours one of these days but I’ve got a few new sites/businesses to launch first. Thanks for your inspiration.
Tina – Thanks so much for sharing. Stay strong – it sounds like you have your hands full. Take care – Susan
Susan – so sorry for what you and your mom are going through. I can think of almost nothing more cruel to put someone through. My mom is my rock in so many ways. I cannot imagine being unable to pick up the phone, as I do most mornings, and just chat about whatever – work, family, relationships. To have that stolen from you while it still seems within reach is almost too heartbreaking to bear.
Thank you for sharing. You remind us to cherish the time we do have.
Jamie – Thank you for your kind words. My Mom was the rock for all three of us and my Dad. Now she’s teaching us patience among many other things. Her greatest strength is her positive additude and good cheer. So happy your mom will be blogging with us. Take care, Susan
Your mom would have loved to read your words…and give that lusty laugh of hers, while saying, “Oh, Suzy….”
Take heart…we’re all in this together, in one way or another.
Oh my gosh Roberta – you have so captured her! And you are right we are all in this together. It is horrible how insidious this disease is – not a week goes by that I don’t meet or reconnect with someone who has a parent or in-law with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Thank you and take care, S.
Hi Susan: I was so sorry to hear about your mom. It is a hateful disease and it always seems to attack the brightest people, as is the case with Libby. Give her a big hug annd kiss from al and me. I appreciate being keptup to date on her progress. Love to you and your dad. love, pat
Thanks so much Pat. Thank goodness she still has her sense of humor. Love to you and Al – Susan
Dear Susan:
You are right to spend as much time with your folks as possible. Not only is this time precious but your dad, as caregiver, also needs a break and your love and support as well. It’s heartbreaking to watch and experience but at least you are close by instead of a continent and an ocean away. Be strong, know that you all have the love and support of family both near and far and start emotionally preparing for the day (may it never come) that your mom doesn’t know who you are. Hugs to you and your folks from the land of hole-y cheese. love, J,B,K & B
Julie – Many thanks – it is very tough on my Dad but he has been and continues to be incredible. Hope it’s not too crazy with the Music Program days away. Sorry to be a space cadet but I cannn’t remember if you have home leave this summer – if yes, let me know if you have time to come north. I know of at least 2 houses near the lake looking for renters and you can also stay with me. The house next door is going on the market again…. Love S.
Hello Susan,
It was great to meet you at the meeting at the Association last week. I have been reading your blogs and I think I’m becoming an addict!
My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. It has been a very hard thing for all of our family to deal with as I am sure you know. Reading your words helps me understand what my mother and my aunt and uncle are going through and it really helps put everything into perspective.
You said something in this entry that will stick with me forever and I have already passed it along to one of my family members: “Like a feisty, foolish child I want my Mother back. I’d stamp my foot if I thought it would help.
But it won’t. So instead of tantrums, I’m spending time with Mom. I’m getting to know, understand and appreciate the new person she is becoming.”
Absolutely perfectly put to words!! Thank you!!
Thank you.